In light of the comments on Dr. Jeff’s latest post (When Trees Don’t Know They’re Dead), especially those by Shawn, Ed, and Dr. Linda, I absolutely have to post this.
To the best of my knowledge, the number of stand-up comedian bits related to tree health can be counted on one finger. Here it is, transcribed, as close as I can without having Linda ban me from the blog/WSU server.
Ron White is a big, bawdy, laid-back Texan, permanently armed with a cigar, glass of scotch, and high-beam smile. I think he got thrown off the Blue Collar Comedy tour for not being red-necky enough. However, not recommended for the easily or moderately offendable. Anyhoo, here goes, and it suffers without the drawl…
From Ron White’s You Can’t Fix Stupid recording
I was having a fight with the landscape guy because, like, half the plants died…you know it cost tons of money and half the plants died. And the guy is fighting with me over whether or not a tree is alive or dead. Can you believe that bleep? We walk over to two trees, there’s not one leaf on either one of them except [you look toward the] timber [where the] the forest is a-blooooom.
I said “those two trees are dead right there.”
He goes over to one of the trees and scratches the trunk with his thumb and comes back and says this, and I quote: "The core of this tree… is still alive”. [Long pause]
I said “Let me tell you what I’m looking for in a bleeping tree."
I’m looking for tree that you can tell is alive even if you don’t know bleep about trees.
I don’t want to spend the next two years every time somebody comes over to our house “… oh no, those trees are fine right there – go scratch the trunk with your thumbnail. You will find a vibrant core. Just beneath the bark.”